Just blabbing: I don’t see a future for myself

Once upon a time, when I was a little girl, I could see a future for myself. It was traditional; I could see myself as a wife and mom. I knew I would have a job, but I had no idea what that job would be. Then, around 12 years of age, I was always just sad and couldn’t get over dying one day. I still can’t get over the fact that we will all perish one day, and I still view death as unfair, even though I view it as a beautiful part of life.

I spent a lot of twenties trying to figure out who I want to be. I am in my thirties, and I still haven’t figured out what my future should look like. I just have it in my head that I won’t make it, but somehow, I am still here. I just go through the motions. I’ve had a total of four boyfriends, if we count the two from adolescence that lasted for a week. Two of those relationships were serious, not regrettable, but I deserved better. Would I like to date now or desire a serious relationship? Yes and no. I’ve lost interest in compromising. And when I say compromise, I mean where the compromising means I give up so much of myself for the satisfaction of the other. I find it tedious to try to unravel someone’s intentions. I’ve come to stand very firm in following my intuition and believing what I am shown. And I won’t try to pry off anyone’s mask.

I struggle with binge eating and feel so much shame, and understand that I need to displace that need to eat with something more productive. I’ve even vomited after binging and don’t even enjoy what I eat.  And then there is the lack of sleep that worsens my mood, and I have no idea why I stay up as I do. I find that the lack of sleep increases suicidal thoughts for me.

The primary reason I am writing this post is that I feel like I’ve accomplished something significant. A week ago, I finally blocked an ex-BF. Do I love him? No, I think he’s pathetic. I’ve shown up for him during our time together and after our breakup. It was a simple, “I owe you one”. He was there during the worst parts of my depression. But after his pathetic betrayal, I hated him, but still cared for him. One of my biggest challenges with him specifically was the drinking, and with drinking would come these emotional outbursts that I would get caught in, lasting from the time I got off work to the time I went to sleep. This was going on for years while I worked in substance abuse and child welfare. I was simply tired. No matter how much I encouraged him to seek professional help, it seemed as though he was above it, or perhaps he was embarrassed, in denial, or didn’t want to fix what he thought wasn’t broken. I tried to help with his drinking by helping him wean, but it transitioned to me not helping enough and arguments over giving him the bottle.  Overall, I ended the relationship, but felt like “I owed him one”.

So, fast-forward to the present, and him trying to continue a cycle that I left long ago. He brings up his feelings of depression after calling me a bitch and hanging up on me. Instead of letting it slide, I asked him if he owes me an apology, to which he responded by hanging up and stated that I shouldn’t act this way after someone has expressed feeling depressed. I sent him a link to better help and the suicide hotline, and blocked him after. If you’re wondering how I could be so cold? It’s because he called me outside my name, was inebriated (I’ve told him I won’t have a serious conversation while he is drunk), and he hasn’t put in the work for himself. I’m not saying you should ignore a cry for help. I’m saying don’t feel guilty when the experience is overwhelming, your history with that person is negative, and they aren’t willing to put in the work to deal with situations that are fixable. For instance, I can’t get a full-time job in this field because it requires a college degree; then why not pursue a college degree? You obviously have the funds to! It’s been 8 years of downplaying the need for it.

After blocking him, there was a kind of relief. As if there was a chain that had finally fallen off…I think that’s a feeling worth chasing. I want to move forward in ways that I don’t feel confined to people’s expectations and what they can get out of me. I want to move freely in who I am, and I think that while I was with this person, I couldn’t always have that. My current goal is to remove the “chains” that I feel have prevented me from seeing the ideal version of myself and my future.